Chronic pain · Endometriosis

Endo has the best timing

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Endo’s coming …

Endo’s here…

Bitch she never left – she was just napping

LOL

Considering how sporadic the gaps in between my body attempting to bleed out are, this fucker has they BEST TIMING yes sarcasm included.

I have a VERY important meeting today and who comes knocking on my door this morning, my uterus with a warning:

“WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, QUICK …. Get some drugs, a hot water bottle, heat patches, back rub, food supplies, those stretchy pants you pretend aren’t maternity ones … shit anything you can find! Prepare yourself as this is going to be a bumpy ride, I’m hulking out and I can’t hold out much longer!!”

Yes my uterus is the hulk I’m sure of it – with minions – evil red ends minions, little bleeders come out to play, beating up the organs they’re attached to and bullying my bowel. A few even have it in for my back and they bounce across my sciatic nerve to whack baseballs, bananas and miniature grenades at my lower back. If they were kids in a playground they would be in more than a time out I can tell you.

So0o0o0 coupled with the fact I’m months into another injury that is seemly not getting better – I keep getting told it will eventually and to be positive – which is really fucking hard when you’re stuck indoors, alone, talking to the cat for fear of really loosing it.
The cat says she thinks I’m perfectly sane so it’s all cool.

….

Today as positivity is not at my mercy I’ve decided to see the irony and humour instead: the most crippled version of myself will be off to the meeting as my armour is out for refurbishment, but I’ll do it anyway cause that’s what we do right!
Therefore if anyone ever suggest’s you’re weak, sensitive or god forbid making it up – just know that I know you’re a fucking champion, like Frodo and Sam fighting their way through fiery hell just to get to where they need to be.
You are wonder woman whilst containing the hulk inside, you lassoed that bugger a long time ago.
You are a freaking machine and I have your back!

Love and Spacedust to all

Alien Out

Alien updates/Opportunities for requests

Vacant

Sorry I have been pretty vacant to the few followers I have – its been manic with my health and trying to get a grasp on something so I can go back to work. Money is in shorter supply and my job is totally at risk now, despite people KEEP telling me you can’t be fired for being sick. There are ways and means of getting around this people lol. Welcome to reality.

That being said I have so many articles I want to write about on here – all quite random, some relevant to the health, some to my hobbies which help me wind down from the health crap and some completely non related. I want to write a few personal experience articles, the only thing is I can’t imagine this blog ever getting very active, as I am not sharing it on social networks. The reason being is I wish to remain anon – at least for the time being. There are friends who read this and know me but they know the deal – secret squirrel. Not to do with the health stuff, I have no shame, just a personal reasons that will change over time. That being said I have NO ISSUE with others sharing – if you feel its worth content of course. It’s hard to know in the early days with little interaction as I have no one to ask. Still a place to gass is a place to process so no complaints from me there.

Some of the articles I want to write about:

The stigma around being a mother being the most fulfilling thing you can do as a women/only this making you a “true woman” … etc etc

Societies issue with people who chose not to be in a relationship with a parent – especially the mother. I have to say people are far more accepting if you don’t talk to your dad – yes sexism works both ways and I’ve felt it’s almost taboo to not be in contact with your mum. I feel free and confident saying this as I get judged on it regularly. When I write the article it will be respectful, balanced, anonymous for all involved but also true to why and the experiences that follow from this.

Reasons Mother’s Day can be rough

Using yoga to fight through chronic pain, the short term pain for long term gain

Back pain and the bizarre emotional responses I’ve had that I do not in fact get with several of my chronic conditions

Tarot and how it’s helping my mental health – Tarot from a here and now perspective, linking to therapeutic training.

Adult colouring bring people back to life emotionally and socially – how creativity activates the id and gets all the happy juices going (endorphins not anything else – tut tut dirty brain)

CRYSTALS – just because I can

………………………

That’s enough examples for now – some will be serious and more emotive, others will be more fun and give people places to go if they are looking for a new hobby to pass some time, or a feel good factor.

I want to review a few things:

Endo books/websites/other related items

Books of all kinds

Relaxation materials – from yoga accessories, oil diffusers, candles – you name it

Tarot and oracle cards

Anything you see that you want to hear more about PLEASE DO GET IN CONTACT.
I will get back to you – I wont bite – my Alien teeth are gummy HAHA

Many blessings space dudes,

Alien Out

p.s isn’t the world a funny place – just generally, so here’s my meme for the day

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Chronic pain · Endometriosis · pcos

Seek others in darkness …

Happy 1st of May to you all – wherever you are in the world.

I say happy as I’m sending it to you even if you feel shit … vibes to everyone whether you’re having a wonderful day or not so much. I’ve had a bit of both today and naturally that’s prime writing time for me, quite cathartic and hopefully a little useful. Even if only to one other soul out there – my blog isn’t that popular after all LOL.

I’ve been having what I call a “wobbly day” today and it left me thinking about how much I relish the community I’ve found in my phone (it’s ok they don’t live in my phone).

I felt like it was important for us to have a discussion about this.
Firstly lets face it, whether it’s a chronic illness, temporary ailment or worse we often look for a place where we can find information from others who are/have experienced it.
GREAT FIRST STEP – providing you’re lucky enough to find a balanced group of people being genuine about how they are affected (emotionally and physically) whilst also remaining productive, supportive and at times positive. The reason I highlight this is after joining my first endometriosis group years ago I wanted to fly to space and not come back. Not for a surreal new experience or because I am an Alien, but just to get the hell away from everyone. It was very heavy and whilst there was a lot of reality and truth to what people were saying/sharing, it felt like negativity and depression was being bounced off more of the same. Hey I want hard facts as much as the next person – just not over and over again multiplied with fear, self loathing and a horror story or too. This isn’t conducive to finding a way to live with these things.
I want a place to rant I can’t deny that, a place I can come for some accessible empathy and sympathy when no one else wants to listen or understands, but I want this to be more of a rare occurrence. I’d also like to feel empowered, find new elements of control in areas I didn’t know about.
Can I change my disease’s … No!
Can I find a way to manage them as a part of me so that at least half the time I don’t feel completely lost to them … Yes!

I write this today as someone who spent the first half of her day crying because on top of my conditions I have a slipped disk, this equals excruciating pain, not a lot of leaving the house and currently physio is has stopped making progress. Alongside this my pain management support requested months ago is literally months away … oh and did I forget to mention my job is in jeopardy. You can’t be fired for being sick but you can be let go if you’re not seen as beneficial to the business anymore – it happens, it’s reality and there’s fuck all I can do about it. I am doing my physio exercises religiously, I eat well, look after myself, will myself better … I am giving 100% and I have no more.
Despite all this it’s not a time to go into myself even deeper, I know because I have been there many times in the past. Yesterday I lay on my back starring up and the ceiling and its cracks, then for a millisecond the movie Donny Darko popped into my head (SPOILER ALERT – but if you haven’t seen it after all this time, why the hell not?) the end as the plane jet smashes through his roof onto the house with him inside. I mean … shit … I freaked myself out. I totally want to be here, I love so much about my life. I randomly have waves of realisation that one day I won’t be here and it truly saddens me. I want to embrace life in full and enjoy it, grow old and have enjoyed my life –  being happy. I’m realistic – I am not struggling to access basic human nesessities or keep a roof over my head (currently).  To be honest even with all the pain I’ve endured with my endometriosis and pcos I have never imagined things this morbid until yesterday. It’s like my slipped disk is the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak.
I’m sure others can relate.

During a time like this it makes sense to reach out for sure, but it you were returned with more negative stories and energy, further fear about “never getting better or finding a way to manage” imagine what this could do to your state of mind. I’m lucky, I have training to help identify these shifts in myself and seek out safe support. It’s taken years of practice after coming from a place of never wanting help, doing it my own because I am “strong” not weak. Well I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, that if I didn’t allow people in even after all the abandonment and crap, I would have a lot more bruises and cracks in my little beater than I do. It’s a strength to let people in and I am not selling fairy tales and bullshit, I know this to be true.

I feel like I’ve digressed but it was for a good reason, or a least a reason.
It’s not pity party, that is not why I’ve shared this moment with you. What I want for you is to be able to consider what you need in your darkest moment.
It could be many things, a hug, a snack, a change or scenery, a friendly face, the list is truly endless.
Part of this for me was finding the right community and I don’t necessarily just mean a group for your condition. I mean ANYTHING. I have many hobbies, things I am passionate about and through these I have made friends I never would have otherwise. Ok I may never meet some and yes we need to be SUPER SAFE when it comes to anything on the internet. However these random friends from eclectic groups are invaluable. They might not understand my condition fully but the right people don’t need to, as I said you can’t fix it after all. Having places to feel a part of something, share an interest and still feel able to be honest through times when you may need support is powerful.

The thing is everyone has an individual experience of the same disease/situation. Therefore whilst there is an expectation to feel understood or on the same page, it’s not a given. So branching out and being a part of several communities has been really helpful. It’s not for everyone, I hear that. I simply want to plant a seed for those who can grow it and find it helps nourish them emotionally.

I am in no way hating on the wonderful groups out there for endometriosis, pcos, or anything else. I am a member of several (after getting rid of all the morbid ones), I’m simply sharing an idea to branch out. Some of you may be stuck at home and considering trying something new, a new hobby, I really do say go for it.

So as I said before, Happy 1st of May.

I’m off to eat chocolate, do some more dam physio and have a cuddle with my love as without them I’d be lost.

Alien Out

Endometriosis · pcos

Fertility or Infertility … that is the question

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Hey chickadees’s, aliens and other lifeforms reading this humble little blog. I figured its been enough space and time for another ramble from moi.
Recently I have been dedicating my time to my physio and the exercises provided to get my dam back into action again – I’ve lost my marbles twice over from being stuck in and Alien’s are exploratory beings by nature.
I’ve managed to get some more time in with the people whom I care for the most and trying to keep my mind active and fulfilled. This isn’t always possible being signed off work, usually after a hard day I am all out of brain fuel, however at the moment I am regularly inundated with and endless supply despite my body feeling tired. This supply allowed my brain to return to the schrodinger’s cat that is my potential fertility – currently being both fertile and infertile with only doctors musings and my own thoughts to go on. Many doctors have encouraged me to assume it may not happen between my level of endometriosis and the polycystic ovary syndrome to boot, however they currently cannot definitively tell me until further testing. I am due to begin a fertility referral now after a year or fun but unsuccessful alienmaking.

I went into this with low expectations and that was when I only knew I had endometriosis. However the reality of it not happening, my surgery coming out with more diagnosis’ than starting and the doctors awkward/sad response to  “can I ever hope to have a baby” was a whole new kick to the chest.

Is anyone reading this who has experienced this process … information is welcome at this point. I’ve had a dye test done on my tubes already, everything else is yet to come and a mystery.

This process has lead to me a very bizarre realisation just yesterday. Recently I have been full of energy and seemingly unable to do anything fun or productive with it. Yes I have been majorly burdened by my 80 year old wannabe back, however I could have read more, created something, surly found something creative to do. Instead I wander the house tidying (well I can’t hoover or lift but you get the general idea). It’s not as hard to tidy up after two adults and a cat … so there’s all this space in-between. Not fun Alien space either – the uncolcourful, dull and local kind. Someone said to me recently “wow, it must be great, you two can just get up and do whatever you want without having to worry about anything”, referring to me and my alien half and the ties this person sometimes feels due to having a younger child. Completely understandable, I brought up many of my brothers and sisters through pockets in time and getting kids out the spaceship ain’t easy I tell you. I empathise honestly …
What I didn’t realise and neither did they is I am in mum mode with no bubba to care for. I am not craving to go out and be free all the time in this way.
THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER – I hear your cries.
That’s not it though, this new phase is a transition. I mentally prepared (as much as anyone really can) and it didn’t happen …

WELCOME TO LIMBO
First stop the labyrinth of never-ending mazes
Where to go … no one knows

Somewhat like the movie without and actual end and the fun of David Bowie as Jareth, Ludo and Hoggle among other puppet lovelies.

Recently friends have been saying to me, wow you do take care of me when I’m over, laughing and referring to me as a mum or older sister. This is not my usual nature I must add!! Hey, everyone like’s to be waited on don’t they? Well recently not me … I want my laziness back lol. I’ve been around so many times as the sister and stand in mum, I am waiting for my chance to do it for real and that’s when it struck me yesterday, this fun freedom doesn’t mean as much to me as it used to. I am incredibly fortunate (all my health issues aside) to have the love of someone and give it back without constant fear or my own past life patterns always getting in the way. We created a lovely space for ourselves in this world and we are happy. This doesn’t cover the crack of this longing though and believe me when I promise you I am not romanticising parenthood. I worry about it often and wonder if I’m secretly not cut out … maybe that’s why the universe has intervened. Maybe I’m destined to be the animal rescuer continuously in this time and space. I don’t know – how can I. I just know that yesterday it hit me … I felt this little gap that’s quietly sitting within me, waiting for some answers which I currently don’t have.

So fertility or infertility that is the question?

I do hope we can find out some answers so I can begin to process whatever comes from this. Being a parent feels huge and sometimes scary but as huge as that is it feels ever more overwhelming the possibility I will not get this chance.

The reason I am sharing this is because I know I am not the only one to feel/think this. I mean how often to we have a genuinely unique thought or idea .. as special as we each are. Maybe someone else out there just needed to know s/he isn’t the only one, isn’t going insane (although maybe a few marbles are missing) or even the chance someone can have a chat with a fellow alien going through this process.

Alien Out

Tarot/Oracle

Tarot/Oracle owned and wishlist

As Tarot will be a part of this blog I thought it would be fun to do a list of what I own and also a peak at my wish list.

This way if there is a particular deck you’d like to hear about and see you can ping me and I’ll make sure I get a blog post up.

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Tarot Decks

Mystical Cats Tarot
Smith-Waite Tarot (Centennial Edition)
The Medicine Woman Tarot
The Wild Unknown Tarot

Oracle Decks

I Am Power Deck
Life Design Cards
Medicine Cards
Natures Whispers
Oracle of the Shapeshifters
Plant Ally Cards
Shaman Wisdom Cards
The Wild Unknown Animal Spirit Deck
Tree Wisdom Cards

Decks for Swap/Sell

Jonathan Dee Tarot

Books

The Ultimate Guide to Tarot
The Ultimate Guide to Tarot Card Meanings

Deck Wish List

Dame Darcy Mermaid Tarot
Everyday Witch Tarot
Green Witch Tarot
Joie de Vivre Tarot
Lavish Earth Crystal Affirmation Cards
Moonchild Tarot (not released but on my radar)
Morgan Greer Tarot
Namaste: Blessing and Divination Cards
Starchild Tarot
Tarot of Pagan Cats
The Connected and Free Alchemist Oracle
The Sacred Creators Oracle
The Wildwood Tarot
Zombie Tarot

Book Wish List

Holistic Tarot
Kitchen Table Tarot
Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom
The Great Work

Book Wish List misc

Eastern Body Western Mind
Milk and Honey
The Essential Guide to Crystals
The Inner Beauty Bible
Witch: Unleashed. Untamed. Unapologetic

………………….

I’m sure this will be ever changing but for now this is me. 
Would love to hear from you guys, what do you own?
What’s your favourite deck and why?
What’s top of your wishlist?
As stated above if you want to hear and see more about a deck I own comment below.

If you’re interested in decks for swap/sale let me know.

Much love

Alien Out

Chronic pain · Tarot/Oracle

An April Tarot Challenge – One of the ways I cope living with chronic pain

So I have been babbling on about sharing some of this things I do in my day to day live that helps me refocus my every, taking it away from chronic pain/illness and the pickling of various body parts.

I warned you this blog would be a mongrel – a bit of everything for the clinically bored.

Tarot / Oracle reading is a great love and whilst I have collected decks since childhood, I never truly learnt to read tarot. In my opinion reading oracle is easier or came somewhat more natural, as each deck is individual an unique.
Whereas tarot has several major structures, yes you can read intuitively and I would recommend and am learning to do so. However it still feels prudent to learn the foundation.

(LOL I have to stop and regroup. My cat is currently inspecting her shadow and jumping when it moves, then jumping more as it moves with her … the little joys in life are everywhere really.)

Back to learning, yea, so I have decided to learn tarot, the basics, read for myself and also a close friend and see where I go with it. I have some previous experience of this growing up so I don’t completely feel out of my depth. I mean I feel like an endometriosis expert and didn’t really fancy studying my PCOS as well, this felt more healthy.

I personally use tarot as an aid to work through both conscious and currently unconscious energies, blocks, feelings, situations and work out how I can continue to benefit my emotional and physical health. A psychological tool as it were. I am not of the predictive school of tarot, however I know many who are and for me I feel tarot fits the need for that individual. I am a qualified therapist so it makes sense to me to use both the psychological skills I have learned and my intuitive nature to guide me through the cards, an add on to my own personal development over the years. This DOES NOT mean I judge anyone who has a different experience, much like endometriosis and pcos – there can be similarities and differences, no need for one rule to fit all.

I genuinely find a release from tarot, meditating yoga and art and it stops my negative focus on health. When your body is in pain it would only be natural thats where your attention goes, however if this pain is a constant then learning ways to detract and distract from this are invaluable in my opinion.

So there you have it, the basis for why I will be writing about other things than just my endo and pcos. I have explained this several times and will probably just get on with it now, without further explanation.

To start today’s tarot exploration I thought I would give you a peak at one of my tarot day challenges.

Remember I am newer to reading – I do not read professionally, I do it for enjoyment and personal growth. If you made it up until this point WELL DONE, it was a lot of natter before getting to the point, but I appreciate your patience.

WHAT CARD REPRESENTS ME BEST

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Deck: The Wild Unknown Tarot

The Hermit

I always chuckle and myself a hermit and it’s not entirely in the literal sense always, so what card could be more fitting.
I am quite drawn to strength too, as a leo, a lion lover and someone who sees themself as strong (most of the time). However i feel like i have journeyed through the part of my life where I felt I was constantly required to be strong and have since foind myself concentrating on thoughts and plans. Allowing myself space from any choas, drama or simply situations that no longer suit.

The last few years have been a time for reflection on how far I’ve come and where i want to go. Both as an idividial and a parnter.

On a purely asetheic note I can really related to the tortoises hard outer shell protecting a more vulnerable inside. Always carry a light even in the darkness. I do enjoy solitude more as move away from my twenties and to the cusp of my thirties. It feels like a healing process being able to be alone and be able to quiet my mind, still feeling safe.

Additionally sometimes when I am in pain, I’d love nothing more than to curl up in a shell alone, just for a little while until I feel ready for the world again.

Thank you for reading.

Alien Out

 

Chronic pain · Endometriosis · pcos

Do I really need to research more … ??

Howdy Earthlings

How are you all??

Today is a rough day my end – as previously stated the op hasn’t helped the endometriosis symptoms and I am due on. DUM DUM DUMMMMMMM!!!!
From the way my body is feeling I am assuming no buns are in my oven again this month  – if not its officially a year of trying unsuccessfully. Well successful in enjoyment during the process of course, however no baby production.

List of todays symptoms:

Bloating
Lack of appetite
Fatigue
Insomnia last night
Hot Flushes
Leg pain and aching
Foot aching and pain
General body aching however legs are much worse
Back pain (not just from the slipped disk)
Headache
Foggy head
Pelvic twinges and what feels like pressure in my ovary
Nausea (not to get excited I get this regularly too)
Spots and especially oily skin – keeps the wrinkles away and clears skin most the time but on a bad day isn’t ideal and can’t stop hormonal spots.

So that’s today in a nut shell and in honesty besides the slipped disk and the above, there are worse days for pain. My reason for writing today is to ask the question

“Do I really need to do more research?”

The other day someone asked me what PCOS Symptoms I get – I simply said “I don’t know as I’ve only just been diagnosed and as I have so much shit with the Endo for the past 14 years I simply thought it was all from that.” They looked a little perplexed but understood. Pain is pain after all. Not if your undiagnosed of course – but for moi this is just and additional new diagnosis on top of my already existing one. Like a bonus prize – but a shit one lol. What I do know is it continues to impact my fertility. I was shown a picture of my Endo (prior to crappy lazer “removal” and my ovaries – man they were a state. Cauliflowers – especially the right one.

So do I need to to research – will it aid me in any way??

I’m genuinely intrigued to hear people’s options on this as currently I don’t feel like it’s necessary. I cannot have any hormone support or further treatment for either due to trying for a baby – also I will be undergoing fertility testing in a month or two. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends with PCOS and know a grand slam of the basics.

What are your thoughts?

Fellow sufferers – especially with dual diagnosis, What are your experiences, what helps you and have you ever been able to conceive??

Anyways off to hug a hot water bottle and read my tarot cards – obsessed lol.
(after all you have to have an indoor pastime/hobby/joy on a day like today)

Alien Out

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